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hi anxiety

by garden on a trampoline

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1.
"the end is built into the beginning"
2.
now you know 04:19
if someone ever believed in me, i wouldn’t believe it cuz I can’t see how that can be they must leave to find... something... better eventually who wants someone that is consumed with anxiety? when will her eyes look into mine? when will my mind just shut up? each time I cry I feel like I can’t survive and I know that she knows that I love her now and now you know, oh no guess my love is still quiet and unrequited and i am so used to it by now in fact if someone came along and said that i was wrong that i could be loved would i really be enough or would i just sing way too many songs?? when will her eyes look into mine? when will my mind just shut up? each time I cry I feel like I can’t survive and I know that she knows that I love her now and now you know, oh no it hurts when she can’t get closer when she can’t come over when we consider this… close? my love is quiet and unrequited now you know, you know, you know
3.
good morning i’m sorry for being fucking needy cursed to the crooked earth like a meteor i just keep right on falling but the satellite hangs so high hear the honey bees, hummin electricity inside a welcoming hive thought that you could be mine make me feel alright some things don’t last a long time but i guess that is fine there’s no use crying about trying to keep you in mind eyes like the sky cloudy with a past i can’t deny still in mourning but you adored me mostly in the night tv glowing always knowing you might go and i’d be alone i only wanted love to manifest i confess to my restlessness (i'm glad you're happy nonetheless) thought that you could be mine make me feel alright some things don’t last a long time but i guess that is fine there’s no use crying about trying to keep you in mind reality isn’t always what it seems and then i crash into an unreal dream
4.
we can go 03:42
time never has the time to help me find a little peace of mind i wanna message you in the middle of the night just to say please don’t go away not tomorrow not today there’s gotta be something beautiful we can create so what do you say? i know I said that I’m much better off alone in my room lost in the sounds of my piano i dreamed of leaving then hitting the open road but the truth is I always knew you would feel like home i look forward to showing you where we can go (now we can go) not enough hours in the day to say how much you mean to me i don’t have a lot but if I could I would give you anything to make love everlasting all I ask is for a moment to let you know someday it’s going to be okay
5.
if there’s a time when you lose your mind then come and find me don’t know if I’ll say the right thing but I will listen endlessly can’t get past the nonsense let’s make sense of it all this violence screaming with the silence it gets deafening let’s talk for hours or watch movies i can cook or order something i just want good-old fashioned dependable company get our minds off of everything when i was in high school friends all lived in walking distance i could escape and not be lonely but i was okay with being alone now i know that you struggle we all need a little empathy don’t want to lose control we just wanna be comfortable!
6.
another misspent saturday night we just couldn’t seem to get it right no no no no no no no no no the flames were out of their minds but at least they were lightning bright couldn’t burn all of the buildings down there are far too many now there has got to be a way out all i know is how to go down those crazy decimals are gonna crash while the rich sit back and laugh we can carry the kerosene, yeah but will it change anything in the end? where is the harmony that all the music promised me?
7.
couldn’t fall asleep so i would always eat delivery person came to satiate the need didn’t feel good enough for sex or any kind of love escape is always what makes sense to me in a war with desire i saw so many casualties ignored all the battle cries i just sat around and watched TV so many ways to escape the pain can’t control the real disease it could be all the self-loathing that keeps me from going forward felt afraid and bored but the outside world keeps on turning that’s gotta mean something
8.
bright side 03:24
nothing i can say to take the lightning strikes away i adore the storm it’s a part of you anyway i don’t mind the rain, it clears eventually all the pain that you hide and it makes you stay inside if you know what you need, please tell me you deserve to feel alright another trip to the clinic you may need another hand to hold aching thoughts and quiet panic be damned an open heart can be a home i don’t know why when i look into your brown eyes that’s the time that i am the most alive love is the sun, hope you can see the bright side
9.
new joy 03:16
there’s way too much to keep up with so many words so much division consume by noon all of the information i’m losing track of all this and i don’t know what can be done to get back to normal again whatever that is for now let me calm down inside of the sound of you sleeping on the couch tears of joy come out when i think of all that you do to make this world better, it’s true there’s new joy coming i just have to believe there’s new joy coming i wanna see where this love can take me i want to believe in something other than nothing come to me to ignore all the fools that stay angry typing thoughts that cannot ever make sense to me i just want to leave and listen to you smiling there’s new joy coming
10.
beauty daze 03:58
can we believe in change everything always seems to stay the same i have to make money wish I could just love for a living want to help more than i do i know they have to help themselves too there’s got to be more solidarity and not just on a computer screen more conversations that don’t get ugly i still see the beauty in everything I just wish our hearts were more open to anything’s that is different maybe a loved one that struggles with what’s given whether it be a body or a mind that can’t seem to stay consistent in the meantime, may you find some kind of comfort and connection with a partner or some friends when thoughts get distraught and intrusive
11.
no worries 02:52
i know my voice needs work but i still have to sing can’t always think of words a head full of tall buildings there’s so much love i want to fall but i’m so scared no one will catch me at all walking around downtown wonder about all the stories do they all feel so lost saying hello with no worries there’s so much love i want to fall but i’m so worried no one will catch me at all to say no worries feels all wrong inside a city with fractured walls tired cars in a hurry to stay underground missing friends i only see on a screen i want many reasons to keep living
12.
i still want to call you anyway even though you said i lied and that’s not okay you were right my therapist said to delete you off my contacts list so i did, so i did, so i did there’s so much i want to say you moved on yesterday i can’t bring your favorite coffee i should probably save the money you said i should let go can you teach me how i know you know longing doesn’t solve anything but i’ve been practicing since you stopped texting or instant messaging i think about you in my bed how we laughed at the skulls with joshua jackson falling in love will never make sense but falling out of it feels like bullshit though i know it always happens i am letting go as i write this
13.
a.l 03:17
maybe you were born to strum songs on a porch at your cabin you’re a work of art that defies all words you’re a gorgeous sight for eyes that hurt i wish i could just call or text even as a local friend but i'm hoping to play a lullaby next to you in another life we all want someone who can sing all the things that we can’t say or at the very least hear a voice that won’t ever go away i know it isn’t love i will never know you more your songs come from above there is so much to adore If you’ll indulge me now i still would like to think about the beginning of you and me resting softly in the morning while i make some french press coffee walk under the lake shore sky see some friends for movie night and we’ll go home play some records this is a dream i like discovering i’m hoping to play a lullaby next to you in another life you stole my heart but you’ll never know all songs must end, so it’s time to go
14.
i know it's time to move forward a new beginning is coming.

about

tracks (except "now you know") written during a difficult past year.

credits

released May 14, 2021

first review available here:
bit.ly/2S0M7H4

lyrics:
bit.ly/3fyo3XH

cover photo by meghan lamb

glenn welman - drums on 4, 7, 14
adam vida - drums on 2

all songs written, recorded, produced by jim laczkowski
"now you know," recorded + produced by ralph loza

"is this the end" contains a quick excerpt from synecdoche, new york

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garden on a trampoline Chicago, Illinois

Greg Kot of Sound Opinions & The Chicago Tribune., described one of g.o.a.t's records as "Tucked with introspective lyrics and grand washes of shoegazer guitar."

also on Apple Music, ITunes, Spotify & Amazon and more!

formerly known as James Eric & Automatic Pilot. Also records covers as a side project here: anniversaryparty.bandcamp.com
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